I don’t have much of a lesson in mind for this blog today, I really just wanted to share what was on my heart. But maybe you’ll still learn something from it.
I was laying in bed last night just kind of dwelling on everything. Anyone else ever do that or is it just me? Not dwelling on anything particular going on in my life at the moment, but sometimes I just think about the past and replay some of my not so great moments. Or I think, “I really wasn’t a good Christian today, I could have been better.”
I will literally nitpick myself to death, and over analyze every situation. I constantly feel the need to control everything (cue the anxiety)
But notice how many times I use the word “I”
I want to fix things. I want to control things. I want to be superior to my problems.
Whatever I am struggling with that I just can’t let go of, I picture myself holding on to something heavy. Like a rope hanging over a cliff and at the end of the rope dangling over uncertainty is the weight of all that is wrong and it is taking all my strength, mentally and physically to hold on to it.
And I know God is there. I picture him by my side, saying “give it to me, you can’t hold on to this, but I can.” And I picture myself how I look carrying my chunky baby around in this blazing summer heat, sweating, red faced, arms shaking from exhaustion, and I’m like “No God I have it all under control, I’m fine, every thing is fine,”
When in reality I could really use some help.
It really all comes down to faith. Faith is hard. Not physically having someone here to say “here, let me help” makes you think that it’s impossible. Flashback to the Old Testament, Exodus 32, when the Israelites created the Golden Calf when Moses was away, because to them, Moses represented God. They felt far from God when he was away. And like most people today, they craved that “physical” relationship.