The title of this entry may seem cheesy, but it’s straight to the point. Which is not like me- I tend to talk too much.. like right now. LOL
Anyway, I really just wanted to pour my heart out tonight. My heart is incredibly full. I feel so blessed and so undeserving. Even on the days where I want to run and cry or the days that I actually do have a meltdown, I still choose joy. This is not to brag whatsoever, I was not always this way. If anything, I wanted this message to bring hope and maybe a little joy to whoever reads it.
It wasn’t until I had my son that I really lost myself mentally and emotionally. When depression and anxiety made the rules, and I was just a pawn in their game. I remember my bible was just sitting on my TV stand and every now and then it would catch my eye and I would think to myself “I really should read it” but just never got around to it. My family and friends would just tell me to “pray about it” or “get right with the lord.” Some times when you are going through a rough patch, that’s actually the last thing you want to hear. In my head, those words validated the thoughts already in mind telling me I failed as a Christian. It’s not that I didn’t love God, but I couldn’t see past my troubles and misery. I had no hope.
He reached out to me in a very odd way. I kept having dreams that I was fighting demons. I couldn’t see the demons, a lot of times they were invisible, more like a presence that was physically attacking me. I would say over and over to them, “In the name of Jesus Christ get out” but that’s all I could think to say. I was lost for words and in my dreams I looked for someone to help me because I couldn’t think of anything else to say to the spirit to get it to leave. I talked with my mom and she felt led to tell me that I didn’t know God’s Word. That’s the night I started reading my bible and slowly I felt my heart transform.
When I chose God, I chose joy, happiness, a new mind, a new spirit, eternal salvation; I was freed from the misery I lived in. All these things I had never truly experienced before, and I could have had them much sooner if I didn’t allow my heart and mind to be clouded with doubt and guilt and hate. And again this isn’t to say my life is without struggles; I don’t have it all by any means. Even just today, my 9 month old pushed me to limits I didn’t know existed. Which is quite often as I’m sure most parents can relate. Side note- I cleaned my kitchen, living room, and even got to take a shower today. IN THE SAME DAY. If that doesn’t give you joy, then you… probably aren’t a parent. 😂
But Ya’ll. Choose God. Choose joy. I’m rooting for you. 💕