If you’re wondering what mother I am referring to, it’s me. I’m the mom. I think I always know what’s best for me and my family. I’d say at least 75% percent of the time I’m wrong. Okay, maybe that was a generous guess. Truthfully, if I followed my own desires without seeking God’s council first, I would definitely make the wrong decisions 100% of the time, and I probably wouldn’t have the joy in my heart that I do today.
Let me elaborate.
I’ve come a very long way in my 25 years of life. I have many trials I will more than likely end up sharing in the future, but for now I’ll stick with the one based around the title of this blog. Of course it begins with my journey into motherhood! When I first became a mom, I thought I’d take a nice maternity leave and then return to work part time and everything would be perfect, not a worry in the world. However, I suffered horribly with post partum depression and struggled to get back into my “work identity” if you will. I didn’t want to leave my son, I didn’t want to work. I felt guilt about having family watch him and taking up their time to help me out. So many emotions I was not ready for.
I begged my spouse to let me quit my job. I bargained with God a lot; “let me quit my job and I’ll read my Bible everyday, I’ll never miss church, I’ll give up everything.” I kept looking for signs. Reasons to quit. Every single person around me gave me a million reasons to quit. And if you’re wondering why I didn’t just leave, it was a constant battle in my head about the pros and cons of working or being a stay at home mom. I’ve worked all my life and always been financially secure, so going down to one income was scary for me, and I didn’t want to put that burden on my partner. So I decided after contemplating for weeks that I’ve had it, I’m putting in my notice and I’m gonna be happy as a stay at home mom. I thought if God didn’t want me to do this, then surely he wouldn’t have allowed all these people to tell me that the best option was to stay home. (Looking back now, I really think I was being tested!) On the way to work the next day, grabbing my iced coffee and thinking “only a few more weeks of this” I called to talk to my mom. I had been telling her of the constant struggle of wanting to quit my job but not being sure. I brought up the topic again and she said “I don’t know why, but I feel like I’m going to throw up if I don’t tell you NOT to quit your job.”
There was my answer right there. Through this whole process I never prayed for God’s will, but just asked God repeatedly to give me what I wanted (because I knew that was what was best for me, right? Nope, totally wrong. Cool.) So as much as I didn’t want to, I stayed at my job. Fast forward to now, about 7 months later, and that decision was really a blessing in disguise. For one, as my little baby boy gets bigger (and more demanding) my job has become a mental break for me that I desperately need, and I definitely didn’t realize before how much good that would do for me with getting past my post partum depression. Secondly, I do truly love my job and the people I work with, they are accommodating and encourage me in my walk with God. But most importantly to me, because I have a lot of down time most days, I am able to study and read my Bible. I do still work my hind-end off, but there are many slow periods of time where I can just dive into my Bible. (With a baby at home, my spare time is usually spent by taking a nice nap or catching up on the mountains of dirty laundry)
So after all my chatter, the moral of my story is that God always knows our needs before we do. He knew how much I would value my time at work now, and that it would give me an opportunity to spend time with him since I struggle for quiet time at home. Being obedient is never easy.
But only God knows best.